-
by: 1Melody1 -
Accountability builds trust. He is deflecting here. He wants you to place blind trust in him that he hasn't earned and has broken in the past. That's on him, not you. He needs to rebuild trust one small action at a time over a long period of time for you trust that it's real. Big or small, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He needs to be transparent regarding his business. And HE needs to be responsible for how he accomplishes those things with ADHD. Don't accept responsibility for his...>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
-
by: J -
I've heard this philosophy before, and it actually makes sense. The idea, that when a relationship has fulfilled the needs of both people but no longer serves that purpose. This goes directly against the traditional notion of marriage, and in my mind, has nothing to do with sex or the need for a variety of intimate partners. It just means, it was meant to be for a time and that time is over. The relationship has ran its course and has come to it natural conclusion ie: it was never meant to go any...>>> on Forum topic - The seven years of bliss
-
by: J -
Honestly, I recently noted a shift in my behavior too. More like something just snapped from one thing that was said. I already avoid conversations to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but my SO was the one who brought up sex the other day ( which is a subject that is not talked with intention on my part ). The subject was actually about intimacy, and in her mind ( as it appears ) she's adaquately satisfied with the physical intimacy level we have right now. No real outward signs that...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: Swedish coast -
Sorry about this. I think in some of these situations, non partners need to not overwork themselves spoon-feeding ADD partners relationship remedies only to be yelled at. I know first hand how ADD can ruin trust over time. There was literally nothing I could do about it except exhaust myself and be treated poorly as a consequence.>>> on Forum topic - How should ADD spouse build trust
-
by: barkmeow -
Looking back, there were always issues and for too long I did actually think everything was my fault. I’ve been grateful for lots of therapy and supportive friends and family. Thank you for your comment.>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
-
by: barkmeow -
I think he’s both controlling and not wanting to be the bad guy. Ive been clear I won’t work on our relationship until I can be sure he is doing something about his behavior, but that has only made his behavior get worse. Latest thing has been him trying to financially ruin me by refusing to file our taxes jointly (which he told me two weeks before the end of the year) because I’m not being a loving team member. I have my own business and have never set money aside for taxes, per his guidance. He is a...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
-
by: Swedish coast -
I’m a bit relieved not to be alone in this. That’s it precisely: two hours late, or early, unannounced, or not at all…>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
-
by: Swedish coast -
I think of triggers. Your partner’s behavior seems to follow some disappointment he feels about your innocent daily behavior. It’s like he’s triggered all the time by something and it’s made him deeply resentful, while you can’t avoid the vicious behavioral cycles that follow. Whether this is common ADHD marriage dynamics, or something else entirely, might not even be important. His aggressive actions aren’t helpful. All he will achieve is withdrawal, loss of intimacy and loss of trust....>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
-
by: honestly -
He did WHAT? A powerpoint presentation on how it’s all your fault? Maybe your relationship problems are entirely the result of ADHD - it is a difficult thing to negotiate- but this behaviour sounds pretty neurodivergent too. Very black and white thinking; not very emotionally aware. Either way, what matters is he’s either committed to trying to make things work, or he isn’t. The presentation suggests he isn’t. His motivation and reasoning are opaque. He could be at the end of his tether...>>> on Forum topic - My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
-
by: honestly -
everything on their terms, whenever it suited them, with no thought to other people’s schedules, needs or preferences. Others’ plans being overridden and deprioritised even when they are clearly important (eg grandkids’ college assignments vs their preferred lunch plans). Turning up two hours early, or late, or unannounced or not at all. It was, with them, i realise, the raging ADHD that at least two of their sons inherited. Son also like this and complict in parents’ behaviour. My only...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
-
by: honestly -
i am in an avoidant phase now; totally beyond reconciliation but unable to move forward. Any breakup is hard, and when you’re dealing with ADHD and the undermining and explosions that go along with that, there’s a self-protective hunch you go into; I’m like an armadillo at the moment, just curled into myself with my shell and my back towards him. I’m a teacher, professionally, and am trying to apply Growth Mindset approaches to my own position. I have come a long way already; if right now I am tucked...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: Swedish coast -
Yes, it does feel like my body has been through overfunctioning depression hell for years in the marriage and now is asking me to let go of things once I’m safe. The body gives clear messages all the time. Overreaching - headache next day. Exercise beyond walking - dizziness, fatigue, nausea. Worries - muscle pain waking up in the morning. Work overload - sleep disturbances, migraine Saturday morning, sadness. On the other hand - being of use to other people but not overreaching, connection,...>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
-
by: Off the roller ... -
Everything you said as well rings true for me. Thabk you taking the time to write it. Its appreciated so much. It has me wondering if I'm so paralysed by leaving and the fear of unknown, that I'm subconsciously but purposely choosing not to talk to him bc I know I want to try couselling (but telling myself if he doesn't jump in then I gotta jump) and thrn probably mediation. It's just his reactions are so chaotic it's debilitating to have to deal so much with the shrapnel.>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: Off the roller ... -
I appreciate you coming back and your concern. Everything you said rings true for me but I gotta digest it as well.>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: Swedish coast -
I truly get that. When these levels of stress arise in the relationship it’s all about that I think. You’re in your safe place, and it isn’t safe. You can’t make it safe by creating boundaries or standing up for yourself, since ugly emotional reactions from your partner to boundaries make your home less safe. You can’t be safe by accepting ADHD and being submissive to it either, since the stress is detrimental to your health. People outside the family who don’t see this can never fully...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: honestly -
my next step, from more or less where you are, was to ask for a divorce. He was absolutely stunned and horrified. No idea that years of talking to me like I was s**t on his shoe would make me feel that way. Or his hygiene issues. Or the not listening to me on a micro or macro level. He would never want to break up with me and he’d die if I left him. So be prepared for a big reaction, I’m saying. Be prepared for No Idea You Were Unhappy; You Should Have Told Me. (I did; I asked nicely for change and...>>> on Forum topic - I didn't sign up for this
-
by: scoobydo -
Thank you for your reply. Both you and your ex wife suffer with ADHD? Do you think she avoided responsibilities due to her ADHD? Was there an equal effort in trying to save>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: Off the roller ... -
Hey swedish, I've been checking in from time to time but haven't had a chance to post... but I'm really curious about your post here. I have come back to it since you posted and wondering this: is it possible that you have/had high functioning depression and because you were the over-achiever in the marriage, is it possible that your body is asking you to address this now given that you don't need to concern yourself wiht your ex anymore? And you have pushed it down, down, down and further covered it...>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
-
by: Swedish coast -
Exercise makes me feel ill. It might have to do with some upper respiratory issues that have happened too. I feel faint and dizzy a lot especially when doing yoga. Am having a medical evaluation and perhaps there’s treatment. But really, exercise isn’t what it used to be. It makes me feel distinctly unwell.>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
-
by: J -
Has always worked for me, to pull me out of depression. Aerobic excersise specifically, 1/2 for 3 times a week to start. You can build from there as needed. The key is, don't stop.>>> on Forum topic - Ongoing mild depression
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Upcoming seminars & support groups
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Free Treatment E-Book
