First, let me thank everyone on this forum. The insights I've gained reading through everyone's experiences has been very invaluable. There's always that last straw and today I found it. Without getting into details, there are significant issues of trust, communication and financial irresponsibility in this marriage. This isn't "new news" to anyone here. My story isn't different than many that I read. No one needs to hear it all again. I'm a work widow again. I spent the whole day so far, running errands and cleaning and doing laundry, etc. Work is my husband's hyperfocus and when the going gets tough, he puts in the hours. He's working tomorrow also. H doesn't even understand that there is fallout for me when he chooses this course of action. This may be one of the last truly excellent beach days of the year. I am tired of banging my head against the wall. My housecleaning mixed tape includes "Bang your head" - when it came on I said "well, fuck." I am sorry for all the years I thought I was the crazy one and worked my ass off to try to make everything right. My husband communicates for shit. I don't know how else to say it. He is unable to be direct and I am effin tired of reading between the lines. After I found out about the five figure debt I didn't know about and the dating sites, I was promised honesty, transparency and communication about all things, including financial. I deserve honest communication. It's a basic component of a marraige. I should be able to take that for granted. If he does not seek treatment, he will never understand how to go about fixing it. Nope, nope and nope. Struck out on all counts. Details don't matter, let's just say more subterfuge and lies occured. The last straw? When I found out about the debt, I also discovered that my H was in the red by A LOT every month. He wasn't operating anywhere near a balanced budget. It's taken a year and a half to get him at break even. I have made a lot of personal sacrifices. There was a sincere and heartfelt promise to get on board with me about these matters and discuss them with me prior to taking any action. A month or so ago, he mentioned making a financial commitment. It wasn't even a bad idea. Again, understanding that he often "mentions' things asan idea although he is actually doing it (WTF is up with that crap anyway?) , I just said, fine, but before you do that, SHOW ME your budget and how it fits in and describe how you can maintain that commitment. I said very explicity - don't do that without putting these figures down in writing and discussing it with me. He specifically said he would not process the transaction without talking to mefirst. Didn't do it. You see, his mode of communication is/has been to "mention" something like he's thinking about it but actually doing it. In his mind, he's "told" me that he's doing it but it is truly ass backwards communication - not at all direct. Saying "I'm thinking about... blah blah... is not the same as saying "I am going to or I have blah blah." ADHD hard wiring? Then, of course, he will come back to me and say that he told me he was doing it and I agreed and he will SWEAR UP AND DOWN that HE TOLD ME. I don't know why his brain processes like this and I don't care anymore. Keep in mind that his current financial difficulty was due to making one decision after another without considering the whole picture and creating a gigantic dominoe/pyramid effect. I picked up the mail. I didn't even have to open the envelope. I could tell who it was from and through the window I could read "congratulations on ....." so I could tell..... There have been other situations lately of very indirect communication. Is it because he's getting older and processing speed and memory difficulties are lagging? I don't know and I don't care... It's really bizarre stuff like coming home and saying two people were fired. We discussed it and I asked what happened (argument) and how they would fill the void (idk). Day 2. I ask what's up with the situation - huh? Oh, no one was fired, they were coached, even though I didn't agree with it (when asked why he thought they were fired he said it's because it's what he would do and what would have happened at his previous company) Day 3. I gingerly mention over dinner that it is difficult to attend to communications with him because I never know what's what regarding what he's telling me. I ever so gingerly mention this is an example of why we have communiation Fired or not fired is an insignificant topic, but it is some serious crazymaking because he can't remember or chooses to not remember what he said and then he calls into question my reality. It's gotten so much worse these last two years but, you know, a low dose of Wellbutrin is supposed to fix all of this. Again, thanks to everyone here for giving me the clarity to see this pattern. This isn't what I expected of marriage and it isn't what I provided TO HIM. It's a one way street. If he can't share thoughts, plans, feelings, difficulties, joys.... or anything.... I just flat out can't do this anymore. What's the point? The hidden transaction is not even worth bringing up because (1) he won't understand why I'm pissed unless I have a two hour hissy fit and I don't feel like wasting that much time today (2) he'll do it again and again and again because he's not seeking treatment and doesn't know he's doing it let along how to fix it and (3) it will take about 1 minute and a half before (3a) I'm told he can't do anything right even though he's trying or (3b)he didn't "get it" beause I've never explained this before which is not the case, or (3c) but... I thought... we talked about it, you agreed, besides it's all good (ie I chose to make a decision FOR YOU without your input or suggestions because I can and I subconsciously consider you to be insignificant and not worthy of consultation and besides I don't like checking in with someone o rsomeone telling me what to do ). #3c has been the biggest bone of contention in the marriage. I'm going to be blunt and expect hate mail for this, but I've come to think that he doesn't have the cognitive ability to connect the dots well enough to make many major decisions and I despise with a red hot burning seething hatred that he thinks he can make decisions that affect me without me like I don't even exist in his world. There have been too too many times when those decisions have come back to hurt me in a really bad way because, oh surprise, he didn't REALLY consider my needs when making the decisions. So, thanks again all. The stuff I've read here has gone a long way toward promoting a more healthy emotional detachment. The other day, I realized that I had not shared by day with H for a couple of weeks and he hadn't even noticed. I felt better. I didn't realize how frustrated I was due to not being heard. After the most recent issues, the bottom line for me has been transparency, sharing and joint decision making. H can't do it. Just.Can't. He hears the words that are coming out of my mouth but..... He will truly not understand why, since he promised to always discuss these things with me and failed to do so that I will view it as another significant disappointment and lie. Two years. I've provided two years for H to seek treatment and work through this. It's enough. I can see now, today, that it will never change. He will not ever understand how to share a life.
