I am a married < 3yrs, 41yo male recently-diagnosed with ADD:Primarily Inattentive. My non-ADHD wife and I are miserable. The dynamic I describe below is now one of our most common causes of conflict and a serious barrier to effective management of ADHD in our relationship. I'm a long-time lurker here, and am looking for any insight the wonderful people of this forum, especially the non-ADHD spouses, may have to offer.
My girlfriend and I have been together now for about a year. When we first started dating, like all relationships, the coo coo stayed in the clock. It wasn't long before my jealous nature got the best of me and compounded by my ADD I began to slip. Get jealous about this minuscule event, blow up, apologize, hold it back for a bit, smother with love and repeat. All the while with her never having done anything wrong. These ups and downs have forced her to pull away, and me to grip and yearn for her. Clearly my self contious was bored and looking for trouble.
I read the author's blog post : " How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationship" Being the non-ADHD partner in my marriage, I have searched out what I can do to make my marriage thrive. I have swallowed my pride more times than I ever thought I could, and put on the cloak of "It must be me." I have been given "what for", and did not fight back, thinking maybe sitting in the posture of "she who made the mistake" would help the situation turn around.
So after half a year I have spent seeing this person it has finally ended. I can say these have been 6 of the most awful months of my life. I have tried many times to rationalise my strong feelings for him and understand why I love him so much, but the truth is I don't really know. Paradoxically I have received very little in return. He always seems to go out of his way to remind me how expendable and unimportant I am to him... which has done "great" things to my already little self-esteem.
I guess I'm looking for someone to talk to, someone who has been, or is, experiencing a situation similar to me. Someone objective, a sounding board, who would be willing to be a friend. I see a lot of descriptions on the boards that sound a lot like me but with one major point of difference from a lot of them, my husband is not hurtful or mean and I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. However, his habits and characteristics are really grating on me lately, making me want to pull my hair out and seriously pushing me to contemplate whether I've fallen out of love.
I'm so angry right now I can't think straight and need honest feedback! I know I have ADHD and 99% sure my husband has it. Below is a situation that just happened and I need to know who's responsible him, me or OUR adhd?
H has been working OT for the past couple of weeks. He hasn't worked the weekends but has been working an extra 2-4 hours a day. I told him a month ago about our Christmas Party which he said he couldn't wait for. I told him again about it last Thursday when we got the details on it. I told him on Monday night that I signed us up. Each of these times I told him it was on Friday Dec. 12. He went "This is going to be an awesome time". I said "It WILL be fun. Just be sure not to work OT that Friday or that weekend". He said "You got it".
Can we talk?
My DH has ADHD and I have no sexual desire in our relationship at all. I feel like I am married to an adolescent. I've been carrying us for years, and he hasn't had a job since April. His ADHD is quite severe, and so he literally doesn't notice things - barbecue sauce on the hardwood floor, unlocked car (we've had 3 cameras and a Macbook Pro stolen out of his car), dirty baby diaper left on the floor...it's exhausting. And while a lot of the time, I'm too tired to want sex, the rest of the time, I'm not sexually attracted to him. I feel the exact opposite of cherished.
After 5 years, I have a step by step plan in place to coincide with getting my college degree in December 2015. There are many parameters that will need adjusting as time passes - as no one knows what tomorrow will actually bring.
Yes it is a one year plan. It is not my dream plan, it is my looking-reality-squarely-in-the-face-plan.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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